Woah… too many colours.

I’ll follow you into the dark.

Posted on: January 12, 2009

bryner_bethany_beach_sunset

It was not bathed in colours but the contrast was subdued in black and white. I awoke in a tropical setting, near the beach where it felt deserted as it was the evening. I felt that before I entered a cold room and the walls were silently black in distress. It felt empty at first from the cold foundation of the door, as it opened – I felt like a child entering a monstrous contraption but serene followed close behind. The sun and the sea peeked through from where I stood; in the middle of the room, where the veranda stood proudly in front of me. I understood that the sun and the ocean were watching me and my guilt. I closed my eyes and listened to the calm ocean brushing against the tide and the rocks, the children screaming and playing on the blanket of sand, their footsteps were numb-like bass acoustics that distracted me from the creaking walls around, the faulty surrounding where I know now that the room was left untouched. It felt like home.

As I grazed my feet through the footsteps of the parquet floor I realized distress had slowly crept into my ears as I found a girl sitting on the floor; it was Fatiha. She grabbed onto her legs and wept quietly while her hair covered her face, her eyes watching the floor and her life before my eyes. I came closer to her and touched her shoulder and asked, “Are you alright?” She responded through her weeping, “I’m lost, Khairi”. I broke down and tears churned from my eyes, I stepped back and realized this room was not a hotel where it felt like the Bahamas or the Caribbean, but it was the room that I promised to have build; the life that we wanted to have; a house by the beach, the sound of children playing on the sand and the sea breeze lightly brushing against our skin. “I’m home” I wondered and secretly longed for this dream to never end but my attention moved back to my lover’s cry. I held her hand and slowly pulled her from the floor, she felt weak and cold. I wiped her tears and my mind remembered back when she was sick at times and felt her body was cold as ice. This time; her body was warm as I hugged her and let her body lean onto mine. I wiped her tears and whispered quietly into her left ear, “It’s alright. I’m here – don’t worry”. The embrace was symmetry of consequences; the dream, our home, the love that strayed so far from two vessels and my life that changed from the love.

It is said that our dreams reflect the nature of our subconscious honesty and compassion; where a situation occurs in reality and one could not better it when one knows that he/she could and should have. It is the guilt from the situation in reality that drives the host to at least comfort his/her own soul from tearing apart (thus, comforting the host in his/her own dream). If this is the case; then perhaps I’m to blame for my past relationship because I could not have saved my girlfriend from drifting too far from me, letting her sink into a quicksand of depression and not saving her from the world that we all feared. Are my dreams direct interpretations of my honest incapability to her when we were together?

I woke up later and messaged her asking if she was alright and her only response was, “I’m not particularly ok… but I’m managing” before I replied back “Stay strong and good-bye”. Honestly, I would like to have asked if she has eaten and if she felt cold at night or even what was bothering her but I did not have the guts to say these things because I didn’t want to get hurt once more. Even if I loved her and cherished her through our rough time; I couldn’t carry her world on my shoulders once again as it had crushed me 6 feet under before. It did once, and I did not intend to have it once more. If I was God, I would have turned back the time to ease her pain and made her smile. Alas, I am not.


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